This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
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