you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Randomize
