Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
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Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
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I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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