I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
