My underwear smells like fireworks.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
