Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
