Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
