just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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