I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
