Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
