The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize