Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
