I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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