Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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