New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Randomize
