Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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