Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
