actually, I'm a sock model
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
