I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
