I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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