Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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