***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
