I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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