Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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