My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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