i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
