i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Who wears a wallet chain?!
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
