watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
