u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
It's blow job season.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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