Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
