Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
