new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
