In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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