i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
