yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
