Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
