I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
The air taste purple.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
