Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I love having hate sex.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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