i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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