careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
