Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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