Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
