as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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