Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
It's blow job season.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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