I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
