We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
