i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
