so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
this beer tastes like vomit already
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
