i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
