If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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