he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Naked. naked and bneed help.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
