I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
