Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
