i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
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Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
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I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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