so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
