If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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