I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
