a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
