guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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