I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
